The person I run to first whenever I get news, whether it’s good or bad, about me or not, is my mother (hereto referred to as mumma).
I tell her about every opportunity that comes my way and that, inevitably, leads to telling her about all of the missed opportunities.
These are more difficult conversations because I always know what her initial response will be.
And d’you wanna know what my mumma always tells me?
“What’s for ya, is for ya. What ain’t, ain’t.”
Now what does that mean?? How is it helpful? Spoiler alert: it can, indeed, be a helpful mindset.
Rejection is an experience we will all go through, especially in graduate school. From rejections of papers, to grant proposals, to fellowships, to collaborations - not everything you try for will actually come to fruition. So in this blog, I’ll give perspectives on how to tackle the feelings that may come from rejection.
1) The way that honors my mother’s view #RespectYourElders
2) The way that honors the validity of experiencing negative emotions in reaction
Respect Your Elders
If it is for ya, it’s for ya. Opportunities that are meant for you will find their way into your lap regardless. This may be most helpful for those who have a sense of spirituality, from karma to the Lord’s will to the universe provides. If you feel that everything happens for a reason, then viewing things through this lens is gonna resonate a little more for you.
A friend of mine has recently been getting a lot of awards - shoutout to Dr. Desh Deepak Dixit! When we were having a conversation at an award ceremony, he stated that some of these awards are coming out of nowhere. As in, when he tried for some of the same awards in the past, he did not get them, but all of a sudden, he’s now gotten them without much mental effort. In the framing from my mother: before wasn’t his time, now is.
If the opportunity was really for you, it would have found its way to you. Any rejection you are experiencing is setting you up for something greater, making the next try even easier because you’ve already put in so much effort this time around.
Within this, you may also like a framing narrative of “rejection is protection.”
Next steps I take when in this mindset are to understand what I got from the experience, regardless of the outcome:
- Did I make some figures? Wow, now things are ready-made for my next presentation.
- Is this a valid proposal? Now I’ve done the research that is going to set up my next experiment, I already have my introduction for my next paper, etc.
- I was dropping gems! I might need to keep track of some of these blurbs for a future feature in an article, blog, interview, or LinkedIn post.
If the opportunity you sought had reviewers and they provided you with good feedback, then do your best to incorporate it for the next application. Side note: Remember that you do not need to incorporate all feedback if you have a good rebuttal to it.
Validate Your Emotions
When I say I’ve cried -
I H A V E C R I E D
real tears over some rejections. The feelings associated with putting in so much work for the outcome to not be in your favor are real and can be overwhelming.
Wallow in those emotions. Feel them. Express them through journaling, conversation, counseling - however feels best and most healing for you.
Thoughts I like to foster during this time include:
- What are the emotions I am feeling right now, and what has caused them? Is it because of the hard work I put in, the uncertainty as to why I did not receive it, etc.
- If I am actually feeling relief, then did I really want this opportunity in the first place?
- What opportunities am I now going to miss out on that I was really looking forward to?
I would like to dive into that last thought even more, because the beauty in it is that sometimes you can find a different way to receive that same skill set! Don’t give up.
A [few] recent rejections I’ve experienced were in relation to opportunities that focus on being a good candidate for being a tenured professor. When thinking about these missed opportunities, I was mainly focused on missing out on:
- Networking with people within my field across the country and in different stages of their careers
- Dedicated time for working on my applications and getting feedback from others
The amazing thing is - I can set up similar opportunities on my own!
Networking
- I frequently attend conferences and therefore have connections that can introduce me to others within my field.
- LinkedIn is a wonderful tool to form connections as well; if I really tried, I could boost my profile to the point that others in my field would proactively find me.
- My advisor, Dr. Marcia O’Malley, is one of my biggest advocates and a powerhouse in our field. I can always count on her to connect me with relevant professors, industry professionals, and researchers at any level - she is an opportunity maker within herself.
Applications
- There’s a program within the School of Engineering and Computing (Future Faculty Fellows) that provides workshops and panels for exploring and preparing for seeking different academic career pathways. The program’s contacts would be helpful for receiving feedback and advice on the application process
- The Center for Teaching Excellence also has programming tailored towards graduate students. I have personally completed the Graduate Certificate in Teaching and Learning and valued the insight on how to teach. From this involvement, I also recognize that the people I met in the program would be helpful critics for my teaching portfolio, and also have different workshops to assist with the concept of dedicated time for my application.
So, yes, it sucks that I did not make it into the program I was interested in, but I have other tools that can provide me with comparable outcomes. I’d like for you to consider alternate opportunities for yourself when faced with rejections, too.
In conclusion
Your feelings are valid, but I encourage you to not let those feelings keep you from moving forward in your journey. Submit another paper. Write another grant proposal. Apply for a different fellowship. If it is for you, you will receive the opportunity, and regardless, you can find other opportunities to build yourself up. Believe in yourself, I definitely do. I hope this helps.
Shoutout to my close friend, Tisnue, who sparked this meaningful conversation with me and inspired me to write this blog.
About the author:
Daziyah Sullivan is a Mechanical Engineering Ph.D. candidate from Jacksonville, FL. Her Bachelor's was obtained from Florida A&M University. Read more.
Further Reading:
Keep a Running List of Your Accomplishments
Seizing the Opportunities for Graduate Students at Rice University
Unleashing Productivity: Essential Technology and Tools for Graduate Students